Status:  U
Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 03:20:59 -0500 (CDT)
From: Denis Hirschfeldt <drh@math.uchicago.edu>
To: emshort@mindspring.com
Subject: Your mysterious telegram


Dear Ms. Short,

The telegram you posted to r.a.i.f. surprised and delighted me. I
instantly recognized the game in question: "A Venture", Hyeronimus
Quain's only known work of interactive fiction.

Quain was a man of many interests, of course. He was an expert finger
tapper and a theoretical cat thief, a connoisseur of Midwestern wines
and a translator of the Codex Seraphinianus, the poet laureate of
Scranton, PA and a founding member of both the "Association for" and
the "Society for the Prevention of". He was also a sensitive and
compassionate human being; I think it is not a coincidence that his
disappearance coincided with the first use of the word "chocolicious"
in a TV ad.

Another one of Quain's many activities was hardware manufacturing. His
masterpiece was the CRP-79, an early microcomputer which was ahead of
its time in many aspects, such as its shocking pink case and the use
of a paper-clip as a helper (in the CRP-79's case, the paper-clip
helped keep the screen together). I believe I am one of only two
people to have bought CRP-79's, the other being Professor Otto
Klaberjass, the renowned subtechnologist, who is surely the sender of
your telegram. My own reasons for buying a CRP-79 were not as lofty as
Professor Klaberjass's; I had been under the impression that it was a
space heater. As it turns out, I was not far off the mark.

"A Venture" ran on the CRP-79. It was written in that computer's
unique language, Aural Basic, and required a complicated set of swaps
of the seven vinyl records on which it was stored, due do the CRP-79's
modest 15 kilobyts of memory (a byt being equal to three and a half
bits).

Unfortunately, my CRP-79 has not been functional since its meltdown a
few years ago. (It eventually surfaced in New Delhi; perhaps you read
about it in the papers?) But I do have an old transcript of "A
Venture", which matches the walkthrough in the telegram precisely. (I
believe that Professor Klaberjass sent you the telegram on the correct
assumption that you would make it public, thus motivating me to share
my transcript with the IF community. He refuses to communicate with me
directly since the day I accidentally addressed him as "Professor Herr
Klaberjass" instead of "Herr Professor Klaberjass".)

Best,

	Denis Hirschfeldt

-----

Preliminary Notes:

1. "A Venture" does not contain a maze. This is interesting, since the
CRP-79's operating system did.

2. "THINK" is _not_ part of the walkthrough; it is an exhortation with
which Professor Klaberjass ends all his communications. If one typed
"THINK" at any point in "A Venture", the game would respond with "You
ponder your predicament for a while. Your brain, unaccustomed to the
exercise, cramps, and you die." This was one of the 73 (by my count)
ways to die without warning in the game. Surely this was Quain's
subtle way of making an important philosophical point.

3. I have included a few explanatory notes, indicated by numbers in
brackets. These may be found at the end of the transcript.


<begin transcript>

Ah, another beautiful morning in sunny Acapulco! There's not a cloud
in the sky, and a soft breeze helps keep the temperature just
right. The flowers are in full bloom and the birds warble
merrily. Unfortunately, you're stuck in Frozen Gulch, North Dakota,
where it's 40 below and dropping.


A VENTURE
By Hyeronimus Quain


Your Living Room

You are in your living room, modest but humble. A few wobbly chairs
and a sofa in need of repair remind you of your insignificance. As do
the scuffed coffee table, the frayed rug, and everything else in the
room, except for the wall clock. That reminds you of your mortality.

You are minding your own business, eating some mayonnaise out of the
jar, when suddenly there is a flash and a buzz, and two men
materialize in the middle of the room. They introduce themselves as
Johannes Dryver, Upholster to His Majesty, King Henry the Fourth of
England; and Zrblm, Frumjobjoler to the Yppedy of Kloop.

> X UPHOLSTER

Johannes Dryver is a small and unremarkable man, dressed in what you
assume are medieval clothes, though you always get the Middle Ages
confused with that other time period, with the guys who went
"Forsooth!" and such. He looks at your sofa with interest.

"Excuse me," says Zrblm, "but I am a little tired. Spatio-temporal
dislocation and all that, you know. Mind if I take a seat?"

> SEAT ZRBLM

You show Zrblm to a chair.

"Thank you," he says. "And now let me explain what we are doing
here. You see, there has been a disturbance in the space-time..."

As Zrblm talks, Dryver walks over to your sofa and begins to play with
it, tugging here, pushing there... This distracts you for a
while. Eventually, you turn your attention back to Zrblm.

"...and as long as you do it that way," he is saying, "you will be all
right. Now take the egg and the knife."

Zrblm holds out a green egg and a strangely curved knife to you.

> TAKE ALL

You take the egg and the knife.

"OK," says Zrblm, "off you go."

And suddenly you are no longer in your living room, but in the


Antechamber of Infinity

Which, despite its name, is a pretty ordinary room.

There are exits in all directions.

> N

Except that one.

Off in the distance, you hear some folks talking.

> LISTEN

Whom do you want to listen to, the folks or your mother?

> FOLKS

I should have known. You _never_ listen to your mother.

Anyway, here's what the folks have to say:

"...but what if Zrblm manages to send someone over here with the egg
and the knife and..."

"Don't worry. They would still need the bird, and Shifty has it. We
can trust Shifty."

The voices seem to be getting closer.

Someone taps your shoulder. You turn around and see a girl with pointy
ears smiling at you.

"Hey, how's about it?" she asks. "You distract them marks over there
and I pick 'em clean. We split it 50-50, yeah?"

She hands you a piece of charcoal, a fan, and a paintbrush, and
disappears into the shadows.

Two well-dressed gentlemen saunter in from the east.

> DRAW SWORD

You draw a sword on the wall with the piece of charcoal. The gentlemen
stop to admire your artwork. The girl crawls behind them.

> WAVE FAN

"Ah," says one of the gentlemen, "a nice breeze is just what we needed
right now. Thank you, my good fellow." The girl starts to empty the
gentlemen's pockets.

> DANCE ABOUT

The gentlemen watch your performance with delight. The girl has almost
finished picking their pockets.

> PAINT

Your artistic skill amazes the gentlemen. The girl retreats into the
shadows just as they turn around and leave to the west. When they are
gone, she jumps out again and laughs.

"Good job, pardner. Here's your share."

She hands you a gold watch, several pieces of jewelry, and a few other
assorted odds and ends. Then she sprints out. A few moments later, a
man in a loud checked coat slithers in. He is holding a hat and a
balalaika, and is leading a ruffled-looking duck on a leash.

"How you doin', my friend?" he says, handing you an oily business
card. "Shifty's the name and legitimate business is the game. What can
I do you for?"

> FENCE TAKE

Shifty glances around for a bit, then pulls out a jeweller's eyepiece
and examines your loot.

"OK," he says. "Not great, mind ya, but OK. Tell you what: I like your
face, so I'll trade you this hat for your stuff. It ain't just any
hat, ya know. It used to belong to uh... that Albert Eisenstein
fella. Yeah."

> NEXT

"Next!" you say, pushing the hat away.

"OK, all right, no problem. You don't want the hat. How 'bout this
mint-condition small-guitar-type instrument then? Make you real
popular with the ladies..."

> TURN 

You turn around as if to leave. Shifty lays a hand on your shoulder to
stop you.

"Whoa, whoa, not so fast, my friend. I'm sure we can work something
out. Let's see... just hold my duck for a second while I think it out,
will ya?"

You take the ruffled-looking duck and, as you do, Shifty grabs the
loot and starts walking away.

"That's a great trade, my friend," he says over his shoulder. "You'll
really enjoy that duck, I tell ya... Oh, and you can keep this; I
don't want any of this plastic toy crap."

You look to see what he was talking about: it's a small doll. You
recognize the figure as that of the fabled Queen Anestheti.

> SMOOTH DUCK

You run your hand through the duck's soft feathers. They come off in
your hand, and you realize that this is no duck, but a plover in
disguise, and a mechanical one at that. The plover is currently
switched off.

> DOWN ANESTHETI

You cover the figurine of Queen Anestheti with the soft feathers. It
looks much nicer now.

> I     [1]

You begin to vibrate, softly at first, then with increasing
intensity. This causes you to emit a low rumble which increases in
volume and pitch until you sound like the world's biggest tea kettle.

Shifty wanders back in, attracted by the noise.

"Whoa," he says, "seems like you're about to self-destruct there, my
friend. Bet you could do with an anti-implosion cookie right about
now, eh? Well, it's your lucky day, 'cause I happen to have one right
here. And I can let you have it in exchange for this little plush doll
of yours."

You're too busy dying to have much of a say in the matter, so he takes
the doll and hands you the cookie.

> EAT IT

The shaking and the keening gradually subside. As you lean against the
south wall, recovering, you notice that your vibrations have caused
part of the north wall to crumble, revealing a locked door.

> UNLOCK DOOR

Most people would have assumed a key was needed to unlock the door,
but not you.

> SWITCH PLOVER

The mechanical plover begins to emit the secret plover call. You hear
a noise coming toward you, and suddenly the door bursts open. You find
yourself surrounded by a stand of plovers. The birds don't look very
friendly...

> EGG STAND

You throw the egg at the stand of plovers. It shatters with a blinding
flash of purple light and a sound like a million incompetent drummers
trying to play the solo from "Wipeout" at once. When you recover your
sight, you see a very tall creature standing in front of you. It is
half man, half bird (though it's hard to tell which half is which),
and is dressed in a flowing purple robe edged with ermine. On its head
is a golden crown.

"Thank you," says the creature. "You have done well. You have returned
me, the King of the Plovers, to my rightful place. But now you must
finish your quest: First, you must take the knife of truth and..."

You notice one of the birds trying to get rid of a piece of gum stuck
to its foot. This entertains you for a while. Then you begin to
mentally hum "Crimson and plover / over and over..." After a while,
you turn your attention back to the king.

"... and thus finish your mission," he is saying. "But remember: if
you do not heed my words then you will not live much longer. Now go!"

The king points to the open door on the north wall, past which is an
upward incline.

> ON    [2]

Swing Room

This room looks much like its reflection would look if there were a
mirror on one of the walls. Hanging from a ceiling hook is a tire
swing.

There are exits to the east, northwest, and undersouth.

From the east, you hear a roar and the sound of a large animal running
toward you.

> EAST SWING

You push the swing to the east just as a lion runs in at full
tilt. The lion gets caught in the tire and swings past you. The rope
breaks and you realize that the lion can still attack you, despite
having a tire around its waist. And even a tired lion would make short
work of you.

> KNIFE LION

You stab the lion in what you hope is a roughly vital area. Instead of
blood, sawdust pours out.

More and more sawdust comes out of the lion, until all that is left is
its skin and a small wooden contraption. It has three poles, on the
leftmost of which are fifteen discs of varying sizes, with the
smallest on top of the next smallest, which is on top of the third
smallest, and so on.

> PRAY

You pray to Blunt, the God of Pointlessness. There is a flash of
lightning, and you notice that the discs are now on the rightmost
pole. You are about to fall to your knees in gratitude when it occurs
to you that probably all Blunt did was turn the contraption around.

You notice a mouse struggling to free itself from the sawdust on the
floor.

> GET MOUSE

You pull the mouse from the sawdust.

"Thank you," it says. "Thank you very much indeed. Please accept this
small present as a token of my gratitude."

The mouse hands you a little matchbox car. Then it jumps from your
hand and scampers away.

A few moments later it returns and says, "The car is not suitable for
children under the age of four." Then it runs away again.

> Z

You stand around for a bit. After half a minute, the mouse comes back
in.

"One more thing," it says. "The car will explode in three hours."

> NW 

Drawing Room

This is a large and elegantly appointed 18th-century drawing room,
with soft pink walls, colorful oriental rugs, and a massive crystal
chandelier. Highly ornate chairs and tables are everywhere, and the
walls are covered with portraits of grand lords and ladies. There is
an undeniable feeling of refinement and politesse about this room.

Standing next to a particularly beautiful roundabout chair is a tall
man in a black uniform. He is pointing a bazooka at you.

> WAKE

The world goes hazy and, after a moment of disorientation, you find
yourself on the banks of a beautiful river, holding a fishing rod. So
it was all a dream!

> FISH 

You fish for a while, and inevitably doze off again. This gets you
back where you were, but a few moments later. The wall behind you has
been completely blasted away, releasing a torrent of water which
sweeps you off your feet.

> SWIM 

By swimming vigorously, you manage to avoid bashing your head against
the walls. The current carries you along for what seem like hours, but
are actually miles.

You notice that you are very thirsty.

> DRINK

Good idea. Except that the water around you is salt water, so: bad idea.

Nearly dead from thirst, you are finally deposited in a small
room. There may be many things to see here, but you only notice one of
them: a glass brimming with the liquefied fourth stomach of a
ruminant.

> DRINK READ    [3]

Ahhhh... delicious!

> LOOK

Small Room

No, there actually aren't many things to see here.

A spiral staircase leads up.

> UP

Beach

While not exactly what you expected to find here, this is nevertheless
a lovely spot. The sand is fine and white, and the ocean is being sued
by Yves Klein for patent infringement.

Near you is a counter with a sign which reads: "Ocean Crossing : Book
Here"

You can see a black uniform, a small cardboard box, a sheet of
wrapping paper, a tape dispenser, and a pair of scissors here.

> DRESS 

You put on the uniform.

> BOOK SHIP

You approach the counter. From behind it, a little man springs up. He
looks at your uniform and says "Hooray for Evil!" Then he hands you a
ticket without further comment.

> PACKAGE PRESENT

You put the mouse's present in the cardboard box and wrap it up
nicely.

You notice a few people are now milling about; most are wearing black
uniforms. Some of them start a game of bowls, and a fierce
master-sergeant type offers you a shot.

> BOWL

Amazingly, you land a really good shot, which instantly makes you one
of the boys. They don't even notice that you're wearing your uniform
inside-out.

But before the game can continue, a ship arrives, and you are carried
along toward it by what is now a sizable crowd. (Yes, it is strange
that a large ship could sail into such shallow waters. I wonder what
the talking mouse, the sawdust lion, and the Plover King would think
of that.)

> DROP TOY

You drop the package containing the matchbox car.

You board the ship with the others, and a steward shows you to a


Cabin

This is a tiny cubicle with grey walls, attached to one of which is a
cot.

> SLEEP

You lie down and start to nod off. Just before you are completely
asleep, you hear a faraway explosion. Then you drift away to


The Land of Nod

You are in a place of shifting shapes and sounds.

You can see a string bass and a sea bass here.

The devil is here, and he challenges you to a bass-playing contest.

"Choose your instrument," he says.

> PLAY STRING

You play the string bass. Not very well, but better than the devil can
play a sea bass.

"Damn," says the devil, "I knew I should have stuck with the
fiddle. Or perhaps the haddock."

Without warning, the scene shifts, and the string bass becomes a
guitar. It seems that you are now part of a Foggy Mountain Boys
tribute band, performing at a state fair somewhere in the heartland.

The mandolin player to your left looks familiar...

"This is not really a dream," he says, and you recognize him as
Zrblm. "Here, take this apple."

You take the apple and ask him, "What do I do next?"

"Next, you play the `Wabash Cannonball'."

> PICK 

Even in your dreams, you're no Lester Flatt.

Everything goes hazy...

You wake up to find the master-sergeant type from back on the beach
pulling you up.

"Come on, soldier," he says. "we've docked. You have a job to do!"

He pushes you out of the cabin and all the way out of the ship, which
has docked outside a massive stone building, fully forty stories high
and so wide that you cannot see where it ends. Near the
twenty-foot-high doors is a small brass plaque which reads "Evil
HQ". The sergeant marches you past the entrance and through about a
hundred tunnels and corridors, until you arrive outside a door marked
"Time Control Center".

"Stay here and guard this door, soldier!" barks the sergeant and walks
away.

You look around the


Time Control Center Waiting Room

There is not much to see here, except for a mirror and a white
armchair trimmed with yellow tassels.

The Time Control Center door is to the overnorth.

> POLISH APPLE 

As you polish the apple, there is a puff of smoke, and a man in a
straw hat materializes in the room.

"Howdy," he says. "I'm Put. I mean, that's not my real name, but
everyone calls me that, 'cause they say I'm a bit of a country-put,
hahuha! Can't say I agree with that, but you know how nicknames are. I
have a friend whose real name is Fred, but everyone calls him
Bill. Bill's not part of his name at all. It's not like it's his
middle name or anything. But everyone still calls him Bill. I asked
him once why that is, and it turns out it has to do with this one time
when he dressed up like George Washington for a school play. Now, it
might have made more sense if people had called him George from then
on, but there was already this kid in his class named George, and that
would have been confusing. I mean, not necessarily. I have two friends
named George, and I never get them mixed up. Well, except for that one
time when I wanted to call my one friend George to invite him over for
dinner, except I got confused and called my other friend George
instead. That was pretty funny, 'cause it took me ten minutes to
figure out I was talking to the wrong George, and by that time I had
already invited him over to dinner, so I had to have dinner with the
wrong George, hahuha!"

> EYE MIRROR

In the mirror you catch a glimpse of the sergeant looking at you from
a distance. It seems that he can't see Put.

"Anyway," says Put, "here's what I'm supposed to tell you. Zrblm sent
me, you know. He's a strange one... Just the other day he was talking
to me and he said, `Put, I might need your help to save the universe.'
I thought he was joking, but then again, I don't think I've ever heard
him crack a joke, so maybe I shouldn't have thought he was joking. But
I did, so I said, `You're joking,' and he said, `No, I'm not,' and so
today he comes up to me and says he needs my help after all. He tells
me I should tell you that the door to the command center won't open
for anyone except a senior officer. Now, you don't look like a senior
officer to me, so this might be a problem. But then again, I don't
know much about what's going on here. Nobody ever tells me much, to
tell you the truth. I once complained to Zrblm about that. He said,
`The less you know, the more useful you are,' in a really meaningful
kind of way. It reminded me of my cousin Larry. He's always saying
things that are supposed to sound deep, like `No man is an eyelid,'
and `the more things stay the same, the more they change'..."

> POSE

You snap to attention and try to look as much like a soldier of evil
as you can. Satisfied, the sergeant walks away.

"Oh, right, I'm supposed to give you these," says Put, slapping two
epaulettes on your shoulders. "But Zrblm also said you have to look
older, or the sensor things won't let you in. Machines are funny. I
know this guy who owns a tractor that won't start in the morning
unless you kick it real hard a couple of times. He's gotten so used to
kicking that thing that one time, when he had to drive into town, he
kicked his car like it was the tractor. And he was wearing steel-toed
boots, so it put a big old dent on the door. It was a brand-new car,
too. He tried to get the insurance company to pay for it. Made up some
story about the car getting kicked by a mule. But the problem was that
the insurance guy knew about the tractor somehow, and he put two and
two together, so they never paid up."

> UNDO TRIM

You pull out the armchair's trim, revealing a corset.

"That looks like a lady's corset," says Put. "Reminds me of my Aunt
Betsy. She was real old-fashioned, so some people said she probably
still wore a corset, hahuha! One time she went to some fancy store to
buy silverware, except they didn't have the kind she wanted. They said
they didn't make that kind anymore. She wrote a letter to the company
that used to make that kind of silverware but she never got an answer,
so she found out where the company was, and she went there. All the
way from Omaha, Nebraska to Cincinnati, she went, just 'cause she
thought they should know that there were still people who liked the
old style of silverware. Now, when she got there, she asked to see the
president of the company. They told her that the president was out
golfing, so she went to the country club, but he wasn't there
either. It turns out he had gone off to lunch at this famous
restaurant in town, so she went to the restaurant, and..."

> CORSET PUT

You slam the corset over Put's head, making sure that it covers his
mouth.

> GREY

Bringing all your powers of concentration to bear, you pace around the
room, willing your hair to turn grey. Of course, it doesn't work. But
you do manage to run into a wall. This causes a pile of chalkboard
erasers to fall on your head from a shelf you hadn't noticed before.

> ON

You walk confidently toward the door. You hear a buzzing sound and a
couple of clicks. Then the door opens and you proceed up a long ramp,
eventually arriving at the


Time Control Center

This room is a little disorienting, in that the walls, floor, and
ceiling have all been painted blue. A white stake has been stuck into
the floor not far from the only entrance.

You can see a can of blue paint, a paintbrush, and some rags here.

From the undersouth you hear voices. They're hard to make out, but it
seems like one is asking, "Which way did he go?"

> BLUE STAKE

You quickly paint the stake blue. Not long after you finish, a tall
man runs in with his gun drawn. You recognize him as the one who tried
to kill you with a bazooka, and are relieved to see him run straight
into the stake and collapse. A lighter falls from his pocket.

You hear footsteps approaching from the undersouth.

> LIGHT FIRE

You use the lighter and the rags to start a small fire, which causes
the automatic fire door to slide shut.

Part of the wall detaches itself and walks toward you. Or so it
seems, but it is in fact a man dressed all in blue.

"Did Zrblm send you?" he asks. "Good, good. My name is Plotwist;
pleased to meet you and all that. Now, did you bring back the Plover
King? Good. And did you kill the sawdust lion and solve the tower and
all that? Good, good. I know you blew up the beach. Kaboom and all
that. Yes, good. Now all we need to do is pull this lever, but I can't
seem to..."

> HELP

Together, the two of you manage to pull the lever. A section of the
wall opens to reveal a control panel.

"Good," says Plotwist.

Suddenly, bells start ringing everywhere, and a voice blares out from
hidden loudspeakers: "Red alert! All men to their stations! This is
not a drill! I know that's what we always tell you, but this time it's
really not! Honest!"

The door slides open, revealing several men in uniforms much like the
one you're wearing.

Plotwist makes a run for the control panel, but before he can get
there, one of the men grabs him.

"Not so fast, Plotwist! We're on to you and your evil little plan to
stop our evil little plan. You, there," he says, pointing at you,
there, "man that station!"

> MAN STATION

The control panel is full of buttons, switches, knobs, dials,
read-outs... It is totally incomprehensible to anyone over the age of
twelve.

On the panel is a stopwatch, which is currently running.

> STOP WATCH

As you stop the stopwatch, you watch time stop. (Neat, huh?) The
future and the past begin to blend; events grind to a halt. The
feeling is indescribable, except perhaps in terms of watching a
baseball game. You realize that, much as on laundry day, there will
soon be no change at all in the universe.

> XYZZY

You utter an ancient word of power, which, since all times have begun
to run together, actually has an effect. What that effect is you can't
really tell, since you pass out.

You come to in your living room, where Johannes Dryver and Zrblm are
smiling at you.

"Welcome back," says Zrblm. "I see you have succeeded
admirably. Congratulations! But I assume there is still much that is
unclear to you. Let me explain: Everything began when..."

It occurs to you that today is rent day. This reminds you that the gas
bill is past due, which in turn gets you wondering whether you can
afford to buy an extra space heater for the bedroom. After an
interesting chain of thought involving a comparison between the
temperature and your bank account, you turn your attention back to
Zrblm.

"... ten bucks, same as in town," he is saying. "So you see,
everything makes sense after all. Well, we must be off now. Thank you
again for your help. The universe owes you one."

The two men begin to dematerialize. Just before they disappear, Dryver
turns to you.

"By the way," he says, "I've repaired your sofa."


			  *** you have won ***


Would you like to see something AMUSING?    [4]

<end transcript>


Notes:

1. In "A Venture", "I" did not mean "take inventory". It meant
"implode". However, this was the only point in the game at which the
command was useful. Trying it any other time yielded intriguing
results. Assuming one finds instant death intriguing.


2. "ON" was an abbreviation for overnorth, a direction halfway between
north and northup.


3. This was a slightly tricky guess-the-noun puzzle. "DRINK STOMACH"
would cause you to try to drink your own stomach, with horrible
results. I cannot quite remember what "DRINK FOURTH" would do, but it
was equally nasty. And I would rather not get into what happened if
one tried "DRINK GLASS".


4. Here, the correct thing to do was to turn off the CRP-79. Otherwise,
the game would not let you quit until you had agreed to "see something
AMUSING", at which point the computer would spray you with some rusty
water from a nozzle carefully hidden in the corner of the monitor. Try
doing _that_ in Inform!
